I WANT TO DIE BUT I WANT TTEKBOKKI BY BAEK SEHEE (2022)

Baek Sehee (1990-2025)- May you rest in peace.

Blurb: Red PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you? ME: I don't know, I'm - what's the word - depressed? Do I have to go into detail? Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her - what to call it? - depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgemental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a desire for her favourite street food, the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like? Recording her conversations with her psychiatrist over 12 weeks, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions and harmful behaviours that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse.

This self-help book is basically an account of published transcripts of the authors therapy sessions during her treatment for Dysthymia. Dysthymia has been described as a mild, yet long lasting form of depression, and Baek Sehee's sessions with her therapist take the readers on an insightful and healing journey, as she talks about her symptoms, problems with low self-esteem and a flawed perspective. The book sheds light on the therapists remarks as well, as they help the author navigate her negative emotions by encouraging her to leave the black and white mindset behind, as she tends to perceive her surroundings in an extreme instead of forming nuanced perspective on people and her circumstances.

While Baek Sehee reveals a lot about her personal struggles through this book, its the replies of the therapist that really surprised me because they aren't hard on the author for experiencing certain complex emotions. As a therapist, they do not condemn her for harbouring negativity, but they advise her to embrace some of these emotions to foster a sense of self-love. Instead of comparing herself with others, she should focus on comparing her younger self with her current self to acknowledge that she has earned everything she wanted to in her career, and she should be proud of those achievements.

Baek Sehee also provides some external perspective through her mini essays between the transcriptions. This allows the book to function as a memoir, and not just a clinical record of the sessions. Honestly, I find the concept of this book quite brave, given that the author willingly reveals the most vulnerable, raw, yet honest aspects of her emotional turmoil. Her anonymous therapist also got to inspire millions of readers navigating complex emotions and finding guidance in this book. Its great to see a note from the therapist being included in the book for readers to get an insight into how they feel about their voice becoming an integral part of Baek Sehee's work.

Baek Sehee passed away on 16th October 2025 due to undisclosed reasons, but she always live on through her work by inspiring millions of readers to adopt a more optimistic perspective towards life for years to come. I hope that she has found peace wherever she is. This time, I won't directly recommend people in distress to read this book because it features heavy themes, and some readers might find the content too triggering.(Also, I'm not a licensed therapist to recommend bibliotherapy to distressed individuals). But if you are someone who's either fond of self-help books and are comfortable with reading something that discusses various mental health diseases through therapy, then this might be a thought-provoking read for you.

Unapologetically raw, emotional, and thought-provoking, I would like to give this book a rating of 5/5.